If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
