I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
