She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
