oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
