the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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