living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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