when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
