I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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