I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
