i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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