True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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