The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he fucked my hip out of place.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
