ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
