Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
