She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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