So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
