The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
