I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize