I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
