I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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