why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
