I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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