"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
