There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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