So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
