he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
