Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I am one with the molecules
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
