The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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