Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
