I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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