i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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