Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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