From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
