I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
