Having a random hookup so left but love u
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize