I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
