wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
