just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
