see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize