i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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