im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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