you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I showed him my bush... on skype.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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