So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
