dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
