Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize