Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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