I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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