I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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