I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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