A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My room smells like vodka and shame
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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