I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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