Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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