apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
