Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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