can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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