I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
