I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
