I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
