I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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