I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she smelled like a LAN party
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
