I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
