can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize