i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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