Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
