I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Are we still banned from the library?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
