Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
